A Guide to Networking at NSDF

11 April 2017

Lilith Wozniak presents nine simple steps for getting connected at NSDF


1. Forget that the word NETWORKING exists

2. Get drunk (addendum: if you don’t drink, imbibe enough coffee that you’re slightly buzzing; addendum 2: If you drink neither alcohol nor coffee, don’t worry, you will soon develop a slight hallucinogenic state from sleep deprivation)

3. Much like the mighty lion, identify the stragglers at the edges of the pack

4. Touch people on the elbow, lean back and say the longest, most melodic "Hi" you can

5. Make sure you were here last year

6. If you sadly have misplaced your time machine and were not here last year, pretend you were. Approach your straggler (see point 3) say, "Oh hi, were you here last year, I think I remember talking to you in a workshop?" If they say no, they were not here last year, wave your hands around your head like there’s a fly there, make a couple of grunts and squeaks and say (in an impression of Hugh Grant) "Uurrggghhh faces. Erm, eh? Er, anyway my name is Hugh, what are you up here with?"

7. Buy a drink (this needn’t be alcoholic but per point 2, it helps). Walk very fast towards someone. Turn around suddenly. Bump into them. Spill your drink all. Over. Their. Front. Say, "Oh I’m sorry. I’m so, so, ssoo sorry. Here let me help you with that." Grab some tissues and dab at them. Gently caress their body.

8. As an opening line, "OH MY GOD I LOVED YOUR PERFORMANCE" never fails. Unless you’re talking to a member of management, in which case make a quick save of "I mean aren’t we all performing all the time anywayyy. I mean gender amirite. Anyway, hi, my name’s Hugh nice to meet you."

9. Write an article for Noises Off about how to network so everyone thinks you’re really good at it and know everyone and have loads of friends.


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