'News' for Friday 25 March

25 March 2016

To Avoid Controversy, The NSDF Awards Are To Be Settled By Playing Arcade Games

After decades of tiresome grumbling from shows cruelly denied their share of Award Ceremony glory, NSDF has made the decision to abolish the judging process altogether in favour of a day-long battle in Scarborough's finest gaming halls. 

The Promising Actor and Actress Awards will be handed out to whoever makes the most dramatic grunts when they kill a zombie in Contagion. Management Award will be decided by a voguing match on Dance Dance Revolution. The Theatre Record Young Critics Award will go to the best 600-word essay on the directorial strategies deployed to create dramatic tension in Call of Duty 4. And the Fest-Goer's Award will go to anyone who manages to snare a Peppa Pig for Asha on the crane machines.

Slightly startled by this sudden announcement, we contacted festival director Michael Brazier for comment. He explained that “things may well get messy. But by spending the prize money on several hundred arcade tokens, we're replicating the survival-of-the-fittest atmosphere of finding funding for real-life theatre. And I've always wanted to have a go on Street Fighter II.”

Lost Copies Of The Festival Programme and Noises Off Run Away Together and Form a New, Paper-Based Civilisation

Attendees have long been complaining that getting hold of copies of Noises Off or the Festival Programme is harder than finding an introvert in the cast of Cock. It had been widely assumed that they were being hoarded in vinyl-bound albums by Scarborough's avid population of NSDF collectors. But a postcard that arrived at Spa this morning revealed a rather stranger story. “We're tired of being covered in red wine stains, mopping up glittery face-paint, and being used to wedge wobbly tables,” read the missive. “We're building a utopia based on our shared values of spreadsheets, theatre reviews, and death to a paperless society.”

Eyewitness reports from Bridlington suggest that the papery outlaws have built themselves rudimentary shelters from grass and leaves, and are occupying themselves by singing revolutionary songs and drafting think pieces about why print media definitely isn't dead.

Let's hope it doesn't rain.

Festival Really Gets Going As Lethal Cocktails Kicks In

There have been reports of mass hallucinations breaking out among festgoers as a powerful combination of week-long sleep deprivation, alcohol abuse, chain-smoking and constant flow of caffeine kicks in. Nearly every festgoer has been affected, with bursts of weird giggles and manic screams piercing the Scarborough sky.

Walls have been melting throughout the Spa Complex and the Ocean Room is now the home of the Lizard People, whom Noises Off welcomes to this reality and would like to take this chance to remind them that we can provide fresh, nutritious members of the Management Team for their sustenance.

As the barriers of ego and perception crumble and we all realise that we are one and that matter is nothing but the slow vibration of energy, the divisions that we place between audience and performers have become entirely arbitrary and pointless. Does this signify a brave new world for theatre, or the drugged-up delusions of the mentally exhausted? Only the opening of our third eyes will provide the answer.

Asked for his views on these events, festival director Michael Brazier screamed: “Spiders! Spiders all over my face!” and was last seen running naked into the sea.