'News' for Thursday 24 March

24 March 2016

Festival Director Michael Brazier Speaks Out On New Career As Hat Model

Festival director Michael Brazier is to resign in order to pursue a career as a hat model. Brazier, who has been director since 2012, handed in his letter of resignation after last night's Quiz, during which he modelled a series of hats. 

"I had what could only be described as an epiphany," said Brazier. "Standing there with a tinfoil cock on my head, I knew that I'd found my calling in life. I've already started perfecting a trademark pout – 'The Brazier' – a scorching look that I believe will rival the great Zoolander's 'Blue Steel'."

Festival director Michael Brazier is no stranger to fashion. Some of the older festgoers will recall his trademark puffa jacket, which he wore constantly and with aplomb. But Brazier has ditched the jacket this year, describing it as "so 2000 and late" and saying that "hats are where it's at".

When asked how he felt about leaving NSDF behind to pursure a career in fashion, the Michael Brazier formerly known as festival director said: "It'll be nice to do a job that won't screw with my health, drive me to drink, put me under constant pressure to put on a happy face when I'm dying inside, and leave me open to vicious attacks in the so-called press."

Rhyming Couplet Epidemic Spreads

There's been an outbreak of rhyming coupletitis in the tiny village of NSDFbury-on-sea after a number of its inhabitants were treated by the Faithless Healer last night. As one sufferer explained: "Although now my lumbago is fine,/ I can't speak without making it rhyme/ People find it a shame/and I know I'm a pain,/ So I'm having to resort to mime!"

Even Mary, a woman widely known as "that heathen girl", has been unable to reverse the damage. Affected villagers have formed support groups: "Life is hard/For unwilling bards" (LHFUB) and "Poets Who Definitely, Definitely Know It".

Still, some sufferers are embracing this rare medical condition. As one aspiring writer explained, "Ever since its late nativity/ I've adored my rhyming proclivity/ Though it makes my old friends cringe/ I'm writing a show for the Edinburgh Fringe."

Disappointment at Everything Being OK, Really
NSDF attendees are struggling to find something to complain about as the weather turns out to be "quite nice, actually". Every year, visitors to Scarborough dust off brollies, wind shields, and antique rain macs with Pingu on the breast pocket. But as one disappointed festgoer explained, "I was really looking forward to taking ironic selfies eating ice cream in the rain, and uttering the phrase 'Sunny Scarborough' with a slight but perceptable bitterness on my tone, but it actually has been lovely and I rather fancy a 99 flake." Another grumbled that "I was planning to be really smug that I'd packed a proper coat and hat, but instead I'm working extra hard to impress on people how sensible my footwear is." Festival director Michael Brazier issued a statement, saying: "We completely understand that people are disappointed, but we have tried to pack the festival programme so full that people see as little daylight as possible." Frankly, it's the least he can do.