'News' for Wednesday 23rd March

23 March 2016

by the Noises Off investigative team

David Fincher to Direct Hollywood Adaptation of The Toyland Murders

Hollywood director David Fincher is to direct the movie adaptation of Nottingham New Theatre's The Toyland Murders. Mr Fincher, whose works include Seven and Fight Club, saw the play incognito yesterday and was instantly struck by the play's criminal and violent themes.

“I just thought, fuck, yeah, here's something I can really work with,” Mr Fincher said. “There's this fucked-up serial killer and this jaded detective and his partner trying to chase him down through the city's criminal underworld, and I just knew right away that this was my kind of show.”

Asked about what form his adaptation would take, Mr Fincher said: “I'd really like to focus on the dark, fucked-up elements of the play. So the toy murders – in the play the murders take place offstage, but I've already got this image in my head of this toy having its head caved in with a wacky mallet, stuffing flying everywhere, its twitching body in a gutter. It's powerful stuff, y'know, and I want to build on the foundations that these guys have made.”

The Toyland crew were excited about Mr Fincher's movie adaptation, although a little unsure about whether his thematic ideas matched their own. “Our aim was to make a fun puppet show for people of all ages,” said designer and director Ben Hollands. “But David seems to want to take it in a different direction. We've had a look at a first draft of the screenplay, and there's a naughty word in almost every line of dialogue! And the ending now involves Inspector McGraw finding Harvey B. Feltz's decapitated head in a toy box and falling into psychosis while Scratch masturbates in a corner. But we're sure it'll still be lovely!”

Cynical Festgoer Claims Addams Family Made Him Have Fun Against His Will

Festgoer Max Jaffa has made an official complaint to the NSDF board, claiming that he was entertained against his will while watching The Addams Family. Mr Jaffa, who describes himself as a miserable, cynical bastard, said that he had experienced “actual physical joy” due to the show's songs, jokes and themes of love and acceptance, and would be seeking damages as a result.

“I don't like musicals,” said Mr Jaffa. “I don't like whimsy. I like my theatre gritty and political. When I walk out of a show, I want to be filled with existential despair at the state of the world. But while watching The Addams Family, I found myself laughing, clapping along and feeling happy. I tried to resist, but the show just pinned me down and kept pummelling me with good times. It's going to take a lot of therapy and Sarah Kane for me to get over this traumatic event.”

Mr Jaffa has demanded that the play be officially censured by the NSDF board, and has questioned the legitimacy of a selection process that “thinks that enjoyable plays are suitable for a student audience”. “It's an idea of student theatre that belongs in the 1950s,” said Mr Jaffa. “The festival needs to modernise and be aware of what's acceptable nowadays, otherwise it's going to have to deal with a lot more cases like this in the future.”

Festival director Michael Brazier said: “We take our duty of care very seriously at NSDF. I was very sorry to hear about how Mr Jaffa had been affected by the play, and there will of course be a thorough investigation. In the meantime, I can only hope that the horror of serial-killer drama Dahmer will help with the healing process.”

Holidaymakers in Chalet Shock

Two Scarborough holidaymakers were shocked to discover that their luxury chalet was actually an integral part of the set for musical theatre show 'Kiss Me Kate'. "We bought a week on a timeshare deal and have been looking forward to this holiday for months" said Janine, 57, "But it has no television, no running water, and my husband can barely get through the door!" Her husband Mike agreed, adding that "The conditions are spartan, to say the least. All the good places were booked out for some kind of student drama festival, so this chalet looked like a great deal. But as soon as we finally settled in for an early night, we heard this rumble like an earthquake starting. I put on my crash helmet and we both assumed the brace position, but then Janine realised it was a herd of dancers playing British Bulldog. Then just as we started to drop off, they started chanting "Mrs Poggy Woggy had a square cut punt."

Since then, things have gone from bad to worse. "Some bird keeps singing about how she'll take any Tom Dick or Harry!" exclaimed Janine, in horror. "And whenever we politely ask our neighbours to keep their voices down, they tell us to brush up our Shakespeare. It's frankly insulting, I've got three English degrees." Mike was also made deeply uncomfortable the sexist attitudes displayed in their micro holiday village. "Last night I tried to sit on our veranda - well, it's a small wooden block really - and read my paper, but a woman screamed 'I hate men' and threw several tankards at me."

Holidaymakers have long been complaining that the Scarborough tourist trade is going downhill - and with horrifying stories like these, it's small wonder. As Mike concluded, "Next year, we'll get an 18-25 coach tour to Ayia Napa. It can't be much worse than this.

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